Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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