i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
