that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
