I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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