hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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