Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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