I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
