We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
