I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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