A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
