If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
