Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
