If i come over, it means nothing
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
