The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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