the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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