I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
