even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
