The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
