Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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