I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
