I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
