one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
