I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
