someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
