So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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