drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
