I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
