I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
