Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
