New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Brb crying the tears of my youth
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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