Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
