The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
