he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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