Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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