what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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