If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
