I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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