so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
tequila makes me forget i have legs
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
