im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
