there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
