I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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