hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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