8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I am naked and annoyed.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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