remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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