onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
