Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
