Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
