The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
