We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
