So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
