Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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